Recognizing Grief Grieving for a lost loved one.

Today I have a guest writer, my favorite person in all the world, Kinsey Barnard. She made me say that!!!! I do like this article because it portends nothing but good things for moi. Let's here it for good grief!

I don’t have a lot of experience with grief. I have been fortunate in my life not to have lost very many people close to me. I have lost my parents and that’s it. I have no siblings and my closest and dearest friends are all alive and well. Losing my parents was hard, particularly my mother who was also my best friend. She spent ten long years fading away with Alzheimer’s and passed away August 7, 2002. She was 89. I still grieve for her but in a healthy way. Following her death I made many wonderful changes to my life. Not the least of which was moving to Montana.

I hadn’t lost anyone I loved for over ten years when on February 4, 2013 I lost my best friend and constant companion, Siberian Husky, LAKOTA SUNRISE aka Koty. Koty came to me at eight weeks old and we were constant companions from that time forward. Everything I experienced he experienced. He was by my side for nearly every single photograph I took during his lifetime. To say we were close would not nearly describe it, we were one. LAKOTA SUNRISE OCTOBER 1,1999 - FEBRUARY 4, 2013.

I knew, of course, that losing him would be painful but I was raised on a ranch with animals where life and death is a way of life. People used to tell me “You are really going to be messed up when Koty goes”. I always said “Yes, it will be difficult but I’ll be fine”.

Thirteen months later and I just realized I haven’t been fine at all. I really did get “messed up” and didn’t even recognize it. Sure, I got all teary eyed when I thought of Koty or saw his photograph but that was to be expected. I thought I was coping just fine. What I didn’t see  were lifestyle changes that were not healthy. Before Koty died I was nearly always on an endorphin high. I was so happy all the time I’m sure some people found me quite annoying. I was so bubbly I sometimes annoyed myself.

I just now realized I haven’t been myself at all. For example; I took not one trip in Clementine, the RV, in 2013. Koty and I customarily took several trips each year, a couple of them six months in duration. We hiked nearly every single day unless the weather was too harsh. By my guesstimate, we hiked at least 1,000 miles every year. This past year I am lucky if I hiked 100. That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration but not by much. Since I take the most of my photographs whilst hiking, my photography suffered as well.

This winter I declared the weather too harsh a majority of the time preferring instead to lie on the couch, by the fire, reading a book (Love that Kindle) and eating trail mix. Hey, if I wasn’t on the trail I could at least eat like it.  I think I need not explain how that worked out. To put the cherry on top, I qualified for Medicare in January. There may be a little grieving for my mortality going on as well. I mean, 65?! There must be some mistake. Am I really that close to the end of my runway? Say it isn’t so!

Not long after Lakota crossed over that Rainbow Bridge I did find a replacement companion. I knew there could never be another Siberian for me. Lakota was one in a million. I chose instead a breed I grew up with on the family ranch, an Australian Shepard. Her name is MOLLY MONTANA She is Montana born and bred.

Molly is as bright as a penny and takes the concept of “high energy” dog to a new level. She is also quite sensitive and perceptive. I believe she is aware that she has not been getting the best of me. We’re going to fix that. Lakota was my role model for joie de vivre. The job now falls to Molly. She is the perfect successor and with each passing day we grow closer. The day is sure to  come when we too are one.

I’m a big fan of the idea that you can’t fix a thing until you recognize it’s broken. And, although I don’t see myself as broken, I certainly own up to being in need of some repair. If my runway is getting short, and it is, I’m getting busy. I’m climbing back in the saddle so to speak. I’m working out in the gym doing intense aerobics for 50 minutes four to five times a week and walking 45 minutes to an hour everyday. In addition to the walks Molly is getting twenty minute Frisbee tosses two to three times per day for her aerobics. When the weather breaks we’ll be getting our exercise on the trail again.

I’ve been on this new regimen ten days now and already feel one hundred percent better. There are many wonderful things that come from exercise, not the least of which is; the more you do the more you want to do. Bring on those endorphin highs! We’re planning a photo safari for this spring, that is if spring ever gets here, it’s been pretty wonky so far. Just contemplating it is getting me energized. I’m thinking St. Mary’s. It’s a spring favorite.

Molly & me (not grammatically correct but I like the sound of it) are ramping up for a wonderful year. As they say, better late than never. Time’s awastin’.

WARNING: If you should run into us on the trail or around the Flathead Valley be very careful. We could accidentally bowl you right over with our irrational exuberance!

Be sure and check out Kinsey's new blog The Liberated Photographer.

©Kinsey Barnard

So there you have it. Looks like my spring and summer are going to be the bomb! I'm going to make sure she keeps her exercise routine on schedule and up to date. Whee, I can't wait for my first RV trip!

Molly Montana

Cabin Fever aka Winter Blues: How I Deal With It.

Cabin fever has been a part of the American lexicon for as long as I can remember. Even if you don’t live in a cabin you can get it. Since everything today has to be a serious medical condition with a fancy name it’s called seasonal affective disorder or SAD. And, because it has this fancy name it must be frightful serious so you’d best be hotfooting it into the doctors office for some prescription medication. You wouldn’t want those pharmaceutical companies getting sad would you?

Winter is the most likely time to be SAD. Me I love winter but I too can fall victim to cabin fever if I’m not careful. I don’t live in a cabin exactly but I am certainly isolated. (SEE: Montana Winter at the Sanctuary).  I have isolation to the max, days that are shorter than a Twitter Tweet, a sun that is loathe to make an appearance more than a few days each month and cold that will frost your fanny before you can sit on it. Gads, I’m SAD just writing this.

A classic case of cabin fever would be Jack Nicholson in the Shining. When I start prowling around the house with an axe over my shoulder and baring my teeth at Koty I know I’m in trouble. Other sure signs; I start photographing insanely stupid things like my TV screen .....

My TV Screen

myself in winter hiking gear ....

Myself looking like the Uni-Bomber

 or icicles hanging from my house. Icicles.

I’m pretty sure loss of light notwithstanding the biggest contributor to the fever is diet and nutrition. The warmer six-months of the year Koty and I are out hiking like souls obsessed. As a result I am able to eat like a truck driver with reckless abandon. But, during the winter outside activities are limited by the climate. If it’s less than twenty degrees I don’t venture far from the “cabin”. Between twenty and thirty I go a little further. Those temps are pretty much what I have to work with in winter so walking doesn’t give me anywhere near what my body needs in order to pursue my gluttonous ways without becoming and a Texaco Tanker.

I purchased exercise videos but have the darndest time following them. I’m forever exhaling when I should be inhaling, using my right leg instead of my left, going up when I should be going down. And, heaven help me when I’m supposed to be doing one thing with my arms and another with my legs and feet, it's a fiasco. I must look like a spastic octopus. Out of sync would be the kindest thing you could say. Still, I religiously flounder through at least thirty minutes a day. I need a little structure in my life.

By far my favorite exercise is dancing. I’ve never been much good at dancing with partners because it’s like those exercise videos you have to concentrate on what you are doing and follow someone else’s lead, not my forte. Loss of concentration is another sign of the blues and I already have the attention span of a gnat. No, I’m more the Isadora Duncan kind of dancer. I just dance what I feel and never give it a thought. I’m actually quite good at it. More than one time in my life I was actually asked if I had considered dancing professionally. Not that being good has anything to do with it. It’s the doing that matters.

My current dance inspiration is a CD by Brule  that’s pronounced like crème brulee. See there, I’m always thinking good food. Anyway, the CD is called Star People. It’s contemporary Native American music and it is awesome. When I crank up the stereo and dance to it I truly enter another galaxy far, far away. Thank heavens it’s highly unlikely that anyone would ever be looking in my window but if they could they would surely think a crazy woman was inside as they watched me fly around my living room. Koty just lies down out of range and covers his eyes with his paws. Huh, just shows what he knows! But, what fabulous aerobic exercise. For me dancing to this music is a total workout for the body and soul.

If I had to say what the single best thing you can do to ward off winter blues it would be exercise. Diet is important also but I find my carb and sweets cravings naturally diminish in direct proportion to the amount of exercise I get. I often tell people I am a drug addict. I love to do it because I get this instant raised eyebrow and slight drawing away effect. But, in a way I am quite serious. The fact is the more exercise you get the more endorphins you produce and endorphins react with the brain’s opiate receptors which gives a general sense of well being. Get that “opiate” receptors? Half the time I’m so happy I annoy myself.

Conventional wisdom says isolation is a killer-diller. I say baloney. I’m by myself most of the time. Not really, Koty is always with me and is a much more pleasant companion than a lot of people I have met. Convention is why I became unconventional. I think everyone could really benefit from experiencing a lot more alone time but “convention” and Madison Avenue are not keen on that happening. If you just go to the park and savor the moment (you don’t have to move to the middle of nowhere like I did) that is away time from all the junk they want to sell you to keep you distracted, addicted and brain dead.

I am told people don’t like to be alone because they don’t want to risk the chance of running into themselves. I guess the assumption is most people don’t actually like themselves. Well, I’ve got a news flash people. You are the best friend you are ever going to have. My advice is; get to know yourself. If there is something you don’t like work on it. We are all works in progress and nobody is perfect. Time by yourself will make your time in the company of others better spent.

Reality check: We are all living alone in our own little cabins in the wilderness of our minds. So I say get up, get out and get those endorphins pumping. Get addicted to loving life regardless of the season. If you’re happy you’ll have no time to be SAD. Like the pistachio people say Get Crackin’.

Hmmm, this piece has given me an idea for next week’s article. I think I'll expound on my take as to why the healthcare system is in terminal shape. I guarantee you it will be a different take than "conventional" pap you read. Won’t you be glad when winter is over and I can get back out on the trail with my camera?

If you’d like to look at some photography you can pop over to either one of my websites “Kinsey Barnard’s Fine Art of Photography" or "Kinsey Barnard’s Outdoor Photography" and poke around.


©Kinsey Barnard

You can also follow my photography FACEBOOK