Recognizing Grief Grieving for a lost loved one.

Today I have a guest writer, my favorite person in all the world, Kinsey Barnard. She made me say that!!!! I do like this article because it portends nothing but good things for moi. Let's here it for good grief!

I don’t have a lot of experience with grief. I have been fortunate in my life not to have lost very many people close to me. I have lost my parents and that’s it. I have no siblings and my closest and dearest friends are all alive and well. Losing my parents was hard, particularly my mother who was also my best friend. She spent ten long years fading away with Alzheimer’s and passed away August 7, 2002. She was 89. I still grieve for her but in a healthy way. Following her death I made many wonderful changes to my life. Not the least of which was moving to Montana.

I hadn’t lost anyone I loved for over ten years when on February 4, 2013 I lost my best friend and constant companion, Siberian Husky, LAKOTA SUNRISE aka Koty. Koty came to me at eight weeks old and we were constant companions from that time forward. Everything I experienced he experienced. He was by my side for nearly every single photograph I took during his lifetime. To say we were close would not nearly describe it, we were one. LAKOTA SUNRISE OCTOBER 1,1999 - FEBRUARY 4, 2013.

I knew, of course, that losing him would be painful but I was raised on a ranch with animals where life and death is a way of life. People used to tell me “You are really going to be messed up when Koty goes”. I always said “Yes, it will be difficult but I’ll be fine”.

Thirteen months later and I just realized I haven’t been fine at all. I really did get “messed up” and didn’t even recognize it. Sure, I got all teary eyed when I thought of Koty or saw his photograph but that was to be expected. I thought I was coping just fine. What I didn’t see  were lifestyle changes that were not healthy. Before Koty died I was nearly always on an endorphin high. I was so happy all the time I’m sure some people found me quite annoying. I was so bubbly I sometimes annoyed myself.

I just now realized I haven’t been myself at all. For example; I took not one trip in Clementine, the RV, in 2013. Koty and I customarily took several trips each year, a couple of them six months in duration. We hiked nearly every single day unless the weather was too harsh. By my guesstimate, we hiked at least 1,000 miles every year. This past year I am lucky if I hiked 100. That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration but not by much. Since I take the most of my photographs whilst hiking, my photography suffered as well.

This winter I declared the weather too harsh a majority of the time preferring instead to lie on the couch, by the fire, reading a book (Love that Kindle) and eating trail mix. Hey, if I wasn’t on the trail I could at least eat like it.  I think I need not explain how that worked out. To put the cherry on top, I qualified for Medicare in January. There may be a little grieving for my mortality going on as well. I mean, 65?! There must be some mistake. Am I really that close to the end of my runway? Say it isn’t so!

Not long after Lakota crossed over that Rainbow Bridge I did find a replacement companion. I knew there could never be another Siberian for me. Lakota was one in a million. I chose instead a breed I grew up with on the family ranch, an Australian Shepard. Her name is MOLLY MONTANA She is Montana born and bred.

Molly is as bright as a penny and takes the concept of “high energy” dog to a new level. She is also quite sensitive and perceptive. I believe she is aware that she has not been getting the best of me. We’re going to fix that. Lakota was my role model for joie de vivre. The job now falls to Molly. She is the perfect successor and with each passing day we grow closer. The day is sure to  come when we too are one.

I’m a big fan of the idea that you can’t fix a thing until you recognize it’s broken. And, although I don’t see myself as broken, I certainly own up to being in need of some repair. If my runway is getting short, and it is, I’m getting busy. I’m climbing back in the saddle so to speak. I’m working out in the gym doing intense aerobics for 50 minutes four to five times a week and walking 45 minutes to an hour everyday. In addition to the walks Molly is getting twenty minute Frisbee tosses two to three times per day for her aerobics. When the weather breaks we’ll be getting our exercise on the trail again.

I’ve been on this new regimen ten days now and already feel one hundred percent better. There are many wonderful things that come from exercise, not the least of which is; the more you do the more you want to do. Bring on those endorphin highs! We’re planning a photo safari for this spring, that is if spring ever gets here, it’s been pretty wonky so far. Just contemplating it is getting me energized. I’m thinking St. Mary’s. It’s a spring favorite.

Molly & me (not grammatically correct but I like the sound of it) are ramping up for a wonderful year. As they say, better late than never. Time’s awastin’.

WARNING: If you should run into us on the trail or around the Flathead Valley be very careful. We could accidentally bowl you right over with our irrational exuberance!

Be sure and check out Kinsey's new blog The Liberated Photographer.

©Kinsey Barnard

So there you have it. Looks like my spring and summer are going to be the bomb! I'm going to make sure she keeps her exercise routine on schedule and up to date. Whee, I can't wait for my first RV trip!

Molly Montana

AUTUMN LEAVES

As most everyone knows, even when the death of someone you love is no surprise it doesn't seem to help much when the actual event takes place. This is certainly so with the passing of Lakota. There are just so many memories that pop into ones head. That dog enriched my life beyond measure.

Tuesday I took my first walk in over thirteen years without Koty. I went down along the Tobacco River where we so often walked together. It felt so strange and solitary. Even Timmie, bless his little heart, seems at sea without him.

Yesterday I gathered up all of Lakota's leftover food and took it down to the Tobacco Valley Animal Shelter. What a wonderful bunch they are. I am a very big fan and supporter. For such a tiny place, by that I mean tiny town,  they do extraordinary work.
 
Whilst I was driving home I was listening to my iPod in the car and the piece "Autumn Leaves" performed by the fabulous pianist Roger Williams. And a great memory flooded my being. Koty came to me in December of 1999. I was living in California. When he was just shy of six months I moved to Durango, Colorado where we also hiked and hiked and hiked. One of my favorite places is Silverton, CO which is not far from Durango. Silverton is like a ghost town that is very much alive. In the Fall the tourists are gone and only diehard locals remain to weather winter at nearly 10,000 ft. It's a great time to be there.

I decided to take us to Silverton for a couple nights. When we set out it was a glorious, sunny Fall day. On the way up I took a detour down a forest service road that ran along the Animas. I opened the sun roof and cranked up "Autumn Leaves" on my CD player. I have always thought that Roger Williams' rendition is the best. With, the music playing golden aspen leaves fluttered down into the car as we traveled down the bumpy road. I was in seventh heaven. I will never forget the feelings of pure joy. I had so many of those with Koty. Share the moment ....



That night we stayed in a rickety little motel because it was the only one that would allow dogs in the room. The heater didn't work very well and it was colder than a well digger's butt. For Koty the temperature could not have been more perfect. He was a true snowdog. The colder the better. I made him get up on the bed and share the warmth. Koty and I shared a lot of warmth over the years.

©Kinsey Barnard